Deadline Day – What You Won’t See

One of my favourite days of the year today – Deadline Day! Where Jim White struggles to maintain any sanity or dignity on Sky Sports News and where various sports reporters stand outside desolate training grounds to illustrate the point that said football clubs exist. All this while Gary from Salford texts in to say that his mate’s wife’s sister’s hairdresser has just spotted Lionel Messi walking down the street in Manchester, not far from the Etihad. Of course it’s all a circus that is stirred up by the media but it’s one that the managers play along with as many big deals go through at the last minute. It seems as though they, like us, read the live text and think because so and so has heard a rumour that they have to go and sign the player in question. Madness. Anyway, to poke fun at this charade I thought I’d have a look at some deals that won’t go through today and the said consequences of such deals. Who knows, a few of them might end up on Sky Sports News later!

Jim White - the face and sound of Deadline Day... Unfortunately

Emile Heskey to Manchester City

Man City's best signing?

Mancini is scouring the world looking for a replacement for Carlos Tevez only to be told by the tea lady that the signing he needs is right under his nose. Heskey can’t believe his luck and Mancini reckons that he’s done a good piece of business – at least this player doesn’t mind sitting on the bench! Heskey becomes a star signing after Balotelli headbutts Aguero in a league game against Blackburn for no apparent reason, getting himself sent off and leaving Sergio in A&E. Up steps Heskey and the wingers – grateful that they have some height to aim for – set him up for a hat-trick. City fans everywhere are seen sporting the “Why Never Me?” Heskey t-shirt range.

Carlos Tevez to anywhere

The new darts sensation?

Tevez spends deadline day at home with his wife and kids, watching Argentinian soap operas, chatting on the phone with El Diego and practicing throwing darts at Mancini’s head. He can’t be bothered to leave his house yet alone Argentina and despite Harry Redknapp offering a “tidy sum”, he chooses to retire from football to concentrate on his darts career – he wins the BDO world title a record breaking 19 times.

Neymar to Barcelona

Neymar - Ronaldo's new best friend?

Perennial cock-tease Neymar finally can’t escape the clutches of Barcelona after they promise that all the TV cameras will be focused on him and him alone while Barcelona are playing. He joins for £40 million and instantly demands to be paid more than Messi. Spends his first paycheck on hair products before showboating too much for the Catalan fan’s liking and being benched for the rest of the season. Sold to Real a year later where he becomes a club legend, forming a double act with Ronaldo that results in a number 1 song being released.

Roy Keane to Manchester United

Roy Keane - Don't mess with his women!

Fergie, struggling to cope with his new crop of kids and after a few glasses of scotch, reminisces about the mid 90s success he enjoyed with United. Having already recruited Scholes, he sets his sights on the other linchpin of the midfield: Roy Keane. Keane cannot stand management anymore and having seen the success that Scholes is enjoying he decides to make a comeback. His first game is marred by a filthy challenge on Frank Lampard that sees the Irishman getting a straight red. He blames the incident on Frank’s relationship with Christine Bleakley saying that “she’s mine! I’ve fancied her for years”. Fergie sees the error of his ways and promptly terminates Keane’s contract.

Anton Ferdinand to Chelsea

Anton Ferdinand - An unlikely defensive partner to John Terry?

In a peacekeeping attempt, Abramovich orders the transfer of Anton Ferdinand believing that if they spent time in the defence together, Ferdinand and Terry would soon forget their differences. The move is a disaster though as Ferdinand and Terry spend the entire 90 minutes of every game trash talking and trying to land punches on each other. No-one is brave enough to take either of them out of the team for fear of upsetting Abramovich and Chelsea ship 80 goals in the second half of the season and end up relegated to the disgrace of their fans.

So there we go then. A bit of light entertainment on what has become a bit of a second Christmas to every football fan – Deadline Day! Have a good one and I’ll see you when the metaphorical dust has settled.